he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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