Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize