My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
