I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Acid is not a monday night drug
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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