he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
True strength comes from lack of pants
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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