So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
