Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
