i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
