I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
