don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
