somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
