We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
