My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
