im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
A bitchslap is in order.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
