last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
