I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
