Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
