I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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