I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
