You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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