I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
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I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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