the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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