Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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