He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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