Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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