Im at strip club and am horny
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
