CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
