I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
