Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
