So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm bleeding and have questions
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
