Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
