Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
