My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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