I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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