you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
