Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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