i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
