..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
