They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector