Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.