Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
