Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
