The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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