new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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