we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
