someone threw a dead crab at me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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