I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
