Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
