I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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