Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
