my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
