These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
