So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
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i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.