I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
