I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
