why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
