I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
