What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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