he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
