ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
