a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
