dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just high enough for therapy.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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